Day +5

I hate Day +5. A lot has happened since I last wrote. Yesterday I was told not to come back to the hospital. I couldn't tell why my mom didn't want me there. I could sense something was wrong. I finally got a call from her that evening. She told me that the nurses were concerned that she might have C-def, a bacterial growth that causes severe diarrhea. I found out that yesterday was the worst day she has had in her life.. her words. She had to have 2 bags of blood, which I guess went ok. She got extremely nauseous and had stomach issues all day. She said she felt horrible and fluish. On top of feeling this terrible, the hospital was short-staffed (which is unacceptable on this floor). There were only 2 nurses on the entire floor and one was completely incompetent. She spilled blood twice and wasn't taking proper precautions to keep things sanitized. We heard that the entire floor complained. My mom requested to never have her again and today we have the best nurse on the floor. She even gave me tips on a good bathroom to use.

So, this morning Dr. V told us not to worry about the C-def infection, if that is the case. She said it is treatable (which is contrary to what I read online). We just recently were told that the preliminary culture came out negative. I was advised to be extremely careful around my mom right now. Her WBC is finally at 0.0 and will stay that way for another 5-10 days.-I can't imagine. The doctor also told her she is doing great. I can't believe you can be doing great in this condition! She said that the greatest risk we have at this point is an infection and not to get scared if that happens. It is suppose to be routine. Hmm.

When I first saw my mom this morning, my breath was taken. I have never seen her look so terrible. I am really scared for the first time. There is just so much risk at this point and there will continue to be for at least 5 more days. I can't imagine. Just when I thought things were looking great, I feel scared and discouraged. I am of course, not showing this to my mom. She is extemely drugged right now- they gave her a higher dose of benedryl before the platelet transfusion. She keeps falling asleep and waking up and slurring her words and just seems uncomfortable. I HATE this for her. This is everything we were warned about and I expected, I just had no idea it would hit me this way. Last night I begged Andrew to stay after the news of a potential infection. I couldn't sleep. I felt so helpless and out of control. I can handle things fine when I'm here. It's when I'm away that they seem to fall apart.. on my end and on hers.

I know we will get through this. I plan on staying here for the next 5 days in a row, so that Tim doesn't expose her to anything inadvertently. I love my mom more than words. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. I try to get through it by imagining what things will be like when she gets well. I think about going shopping with Mandi and Rell and hanging out at my house and going out in Dallas and finally enjoying life without worry.

Sorry to ramble. Just so many jumbled thoughts going through my head. Need to escape for a bit.

Will come back and finish the day.